This may seem like not a big deal to you, especially if you're a horse person and ride a lot. This is a very. Big. Deal.

I've loved horses my entire life, and I've been nervous about getting on them for just about that much time too. I don't know what it is. I do better on little horses with short choppy trots.

LiLi is BIG, and for many years she was a cat in a horse suit, which means not only was she big, but she had opinions that lesser horses don't even think about. Now that she's figured out she's actually a horse in a horse suit, the cat attitude has left (a whole other story; maybe we'll get to it some day), but she's still BIG. To me. To people who ride 17 hand Thoroughbreds and Warmbloods, she probably looks like a peanut, at 15.2 hands on tippy toe. She's got that wide Friesian body, though, and enough presence for three horses. For those who are wondering, a "hand" is 4 inches, so 15.2 hands is 62 inches (or 5'2") at the withers, right behind the base of the neck. Which means 17 hands is - a lot taller than me.

The LiLi of my Imagination

LiLi doesn't have a short choppy trot, but it's also not that wide sweeping kind of trot that has you in the up position of the up-and-down (called posting) for six seconds (this is so our teeth will stay in our heads - a trot can be rough). Her trot looks like something I can deal with - but wait, I don't know for sure; we haven't trotted together yet since she just learned how to do it not long ago and is still pretty wonky going faster than a walk with someone on her back.

So here we are - green horse, experienced but old, scaredy-cat rider. Better than green-on-green (ooo, a lethal combination), but not so good as green horse/experienced brave rider.

I've discovered that half the battle is getting into the saddle. I make up these STORIES about LiLi and how she's going to spook, or do something equally weird, simply because she's a button pusher and she's been pushing my buttons for a lot of years.

She's teaching me a ton. Like - get out of my head. Have no expectations. Leave the agenda at the door. Keep it fun. Assume the best. Listen. Listen. Listen.

Wow. What if I lived my life like that?

So here's the good news. Now that's it's warmer out (I am definitely a fair-weather rider - you're not going to see me out there in single digit weather, wearing my boot and hand warmers and riding no matter what - nope, LiLi and I get the winter OFF), I've been spending more time in the barn. I hang out with her and her pal Emma. Sometimes I play with the other two horses. And I'm noticing that every second I spend out there is a gift. I LOVE being in the barn. I'd forgotten how much I love it. It's not so much about riding as it is breathing in horse and barn and saddle soap. It's zen.

Sweet LiLi - who she really is (coaching with a client in this photo)

Today, after spending many days on the ground getting reacquainted, I got on my horse. She was a total champ. She stepped carefully, making sure I stayed balanced. She was thinking hard, I could tell. And it was great.

She got a "cookie" at the end (a piece of horsey peppermint candy, which she loves). We'll do it again. No pressure. Just fun. I love my big, wide-bodied horse!