Today, like a lot of my days lately, is one note: childcare. Since moving to Bonsall in March of 2019, it's pretty much all I've done. 

The good news is that I'm much better at childcare now than I was in March of 2019. The bad news is the depression. It's not the angsty, I've-fucked-up-my-life depression of my younger years but a general malaise, a decrease in vigor and life force. The reason? The constant needs of children and puppies. 

In truth, I have to give myself oner to the constant need or else I start building expectations for my life outside and children, which leads to crankiness over expectations falling short, which leads to shit rolling downhill and my kids getting a less-than-patient dad.

But there's the rub, spending all day with children is depressing (even if I genuinely enjoy it) but spending all day with children is what's needful right now. 

Also, I do well to remember that the end is nigh; Nate will be attending Pre-K soon. I will have a four-hour break each day. Life will feel different with a break. 

Also, the addition of a puppy into the mix last Spring has not made life any easier. He still pisses and poops in the house on a regular enough basis that I'm quick with the mop and kind to the pup even when he messes. But it's galling. 

For instance, on Tuesday, I took the boys (Nate, Taco, and Skipper the Pup) to the park in the morning. When got home and I had the doors open until noon--in other words, Skipper had ample opportunity to pee outside. But at 12:15, when I closed the bathroom door for no more than 2 minutes, Skipper peed all down the hall and into around the entryway. Galling. 

But, as with all things, it could be way worse and I'm in charge of the narrative; boo. I hate having to adopt and live a mature perspective. It's fucking dumb. 

Anyway, I'm off to be Patient Dad and leave the goals for another day, a day when Nate's not right here to be enjoyed. I'm off to a day of not snapping, not shouting, a day of enduring pain without complaint—off to another day of creating, for my kids, a fixed point in a chaotic universe. 

The Giving Tree got it partway right.  Maybe mostly, even all the way. 

Which brings me to another point (that I doubt I've have time for as Nate's show is about to end and I can't let him watch a screen for more than 20 minutes in the morning), what a sad thing it is that many kids of the current generation won't experience parenthood. 

I mean, I suppose we could and might come to a snap solution to the planet's dying, but I'd imagine we're likely in the twilight of the species and that many people are going to choose to be childless. And being childless isn't worse than having children, but having children has been… a rich experience. I'm grateful for it. So it saddens me to think my boys might not get the chance because of factors beyond their control.

Anyway, Bakugan is wrapping up and Nate and I have errands to run. Pitter patter. 

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