Dear Lola,

My wife and I would like to adopt a pet but we are having trouble deciding on which one would be a better fit for us. My wife wants a dog but I prefer cats. How would you recommend we settle this argument? My wife and I have both agreed to abide by your decision.

Sincerely,

Feeling the Feline

Dear Feeling the Feline,

Well, well, well. Finally, after years of watching the stray felines in my neighborhood host their snack parties, I will get the final laugh. Despite my best efforts to squash their feedings, my Mommybeast assures me she can still love me the most while also putting food out for those furry fiends. I could only watch in shock as they gobbled up copious amounts of feline food before lounging on the sunny porch with their full bellies. The few times I attempted to run those baddies out of the area led to me being scolded for my inhospitable attitude.

A festering rage has burned inside me for years, waiting to be released.

I think your wife is correct in wanting to get a canine companion. There are many pros to having a member of my species in your home, almost too many to enumerate. I've decided to highlight the top five reasons to own a canine:

  • Canines give furry hugs, linking any murderer to the scene of the crime (we've all watched Netflix, it's just a matter of time before a murderer walks into your home and you know it)
  • Canines hand out kisses, graciously sharing their treasured morning breath
  • Canines love to cuddle, thus lowering your winter heating bills
  • Canines chase away intruders, especially those pesky in-laws
  • Canines follow you to the bathroom, just in case an alligator make its way into the sewer

Felines do none of these amazing things.

In fact, one could say that felines will turn you into their pet. Instead of living to serve your every need, a feline will require you to expend copious amounts of time and energy into fulfilling their desires. You will be required to visit a grocery store at least five times before you succeed in purchasing the correct brand of feline food.

Only to have that preference change each week.

By the end of the year, you'll be a shell of your former self. There will be copious amounts of feline fur from the ceiling of your house all the way down to the floorboards, thanks to their love of curtain jumping. You will own at least a dozen furry mice toys that scare you witless during your nocturnal walks to the restroom. You will carry scars on your hands from the time you were foolish enough to attempt to pet the furry belly that was offered to you. A laser will have blinded you at least partially, requiring you to squint at the television for the rest of your life. Oh, last but not least, you will find your nights full of the bumps and thuds that fuel nightmares.

Get the canine, I promise you won't regret it.

♥Lola♥

P.S. For those who are looking to adopt a pet, please do your research carefully. Writing in to a canine will lead to a biased answer. Your family's lifestyle, time commitments, and financial resources all need to be considered before getting a pet. Speak to someone at the adoption center, or a local veterinarian, to decide which pets might be best for you. After all, you are making a commitment to love and care for this animal for the remainder of its life.

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