My boundary is the space I need to stay present with you.
The Wisdom of Wildness: Healing the Trauma of Domestication – Ren Hurst
How many times has your horse stepped into your space, stepped on your foot, barged you out of the way, pushed into you for scratches, etc? And how many times did you reprimand them for that, get annoyed, push them away?
How many times does your dog jump up on you, want to lick you, be on your lap, touch you somewhere, and also do this to strangers who come visiting? How often do you shout at them to stop?
Everything that an animal does that pushes into our personal space, is something we have taught them to do.
Why? Because you have never been clear about boundaries.
Where is your boundary? Think about it for a while. How big is your personal space? In the company of others, how close can they be before you start feeling uncomfortable?
So , if your horse is a kicker, or bites, what is that telling you about their personal space, about their personal boundaries and how they manage them? Can you sense their boundaries before they have to force you to get out of their space?
It is not difficult to understand why horses don't respect our personal space. We don't respect theirs. We will quite happily walk past them and touch them without considering their feelings on the matter. We pick up dogs and cats without a second thought to whether they want to be picked up or not. What if somebody came along and did that to us?
What if a bear came out of the woods and wrapped its big old arms around you. How would that feel? Personally I would be terrified. I would believe I was going to die any moment. What if that bear then popped you in its cave and bought you food and water? How would you feel then? Well, you need the food and water so you would probably be grateful to the bear, but that doesn't mean that you trust it not to kill you. And everytime it passes you it places a paw on your shoulder, just to let you know it is still there. Terrifying. Eventually, you may develop some coping mechanisms, probably just shutting down and hoping for the best. Or being kind and loving to your captor in the hope that it wouldn't hurt you. Humans have a term for this. It is called "Stockholm Syndrome". Our domesticated animals develop many forms of stockholm syndrome.
Over the years I have watched the herd that live with me, and they always respect each others boundaries. They always ask for grooming. It is subtle, but it is there. If they ask and the answer is No, that is respected. They don't barge into each others personal space and demand grooming.
I learnt many things from them about setting my own boundaries as well, and by doing this I was able to undo a lot of unwanted behaviours, both in myself towards the herd, and from individuals within the herd. Timmy, had had his boundaries crossed from the beginning of his life. Once I gave him a voice he started telling me when I was crossing his boundaries by biting me. I just respected that and found his boundaries and stayed at that boundary, whatever we were doing, until he invited me closer. When I first met him, he was 10 years old and hated being groomed. Now he loves a stroke and a mane scratch. I always offer, then wait for him to say Yes or No.
When Timmy was biting me, he was also crossing my boundaries. My boundaries are my responsibility. It was up to me to step away. In a relationship where one has all the power, and the other is domesticated and has no way of leaving the environment to manage their own boundaries, it is up to the one with the power to manage their boundaries, and allow and respect the boundaries of the other. The only time any beings boundaries should ever be crossed is for health and wellbeing reasons.
All the above focus on physical boundaries. There are also energetic boundaries to manage. Where we put our energetic focus is an invitation. If you are in a place where you can't get away and someone is crossing your personal boundaries, pull your energy inward instead of focussing on the being that is trying to cross your boundary. Become focussed on yourself. Don't create the space of invitation. If you are not feeling an energetic connection to someone, it is unlikely that they will stay interested in you. This works amazingly well with animals, particularly dogs. If you walk into somebodies house and their dogs start jumping up at you, barking, etc, just pull your energy inwards and take your focus of the dogs. They very quickly become disinterested. Try it.
So set your boundaries.
Be responsible for managing your boundaries.
Do not expect any other being to manage your boundaries for you, especially the animals in your care.
Understand that every being has boundaries they would like acknowledged.
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