I sensed today that Querida was open to connecting with me on a deeper level.
The herd and I are always connected, but like having friends on social media, now and again it is lovely just to have a one to one conversation.
Querida and I don't talk often. She is very self contained and I sense that. She doesn't like to be pushed. But when she says 'Yes' it has to be now.
I went and sat separate from her (her idea - she walked away but I could feel her wanting to chat without the physical connection; just the energy).
My usual practice is to then shut my eyes and put myself in my favourite place, inviting whoever I am talking to into that space and asking them how I can make it more comfortable for them. Before I can even get comfortable in my space I get indigestion. Pain in my chest. I could feel Querida with me.
There was a sense of anger and confusion. She doesn't want comfort.
I feel a squashing sensation between her front legs. In the chest area is a mass / a ball. This sensation also comes into the base of the throat. Fear? A pulling away. Pulling into the mass. Pulling everything around it into that ball. Her whole body is trying to curl up around this ball, protecting it, stopping it from leaving.
I open my heart and send out love. Tears. A sense of grief and sorrow. There is a tentative reach for the love. An opening in the body. Allowing the love in a little. Feeling it.
More sadness then. Collapsing in grief. A sense of wanting to curl up and leave this life behind. Wanting to go / wanting to run / get away.
Now I am holding her in my arms. She is small like a cat. It is okay I say. You can leave if you want to.
She shares a picture. Lots of people. A lot of pain. Asking them to 'leave me be'.
Just holding her in my arms. It's okay.
She is in my arms but out of her body. Showing me lots of people. Jostling. Fear. Doing. No love here. The body is still. Her experience of people?
She is held in my arms surrounded in love, watching herself and the people.
Do I have to go back?
No.
The herd come in and surround the body. She is still in my arms. Her soul is in my arms. The herd send out their love to her. They love her whatever she wants to do.
She flows back into her body. She senses the love. She is loved.
She looks at her body from within.
The mass is gone but the body is stiff / sore/ wrong in places. The flow of her energy notices all the tension, all the holding patterns. Energy starts to flow into and from these areas. The stiffness lightens and leaves softness. Her body relaxes. The bones are reforming into shape. The skin, the muscles, the tendons, the fascia, all softening and opening to life.
She is orange. She is Courage.
I am not going to try and intellectualise this conversation. It was. It is. It will be whatever it is meant to be. All change has to go through a grief process. Grief is not only about dying. Grief is about letting go of what does not help you.
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