In this version if a recuring theme, I want to call your attention to each person's "best".
I mean that in each obituary there is usually one truth which sneaks past the editor, one ridiculous claim that isn't about the deceased—but the writer. Some, if we're lucky, have more than one.
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"Among his many achievements were a state basketball championship at G- High School and a state football championship at W- High School."
-unnnnnnfortunately, you can't take it with you.
"He and his family also spent summers growing gladiola for sale to commercial florists and at farmers markets in (city)."
-must've been some flowers for commercial florists to take notice.
"She was the beautiful blonde cheerleader and [her husband, E-], the handsome basketball star." And, "She studied His Holy Word and lived in His Way always."
-pretty much everything a little tow head girl could ask for in life, no?
"Beginning in 1982 they lived in homes in (city) that P- spent his time improving, until 1977."
-wish I knew him!
"He was a voracious reader; reading every book in the public library during his elementary and high school years."
-middle school must've been when he experimented with hard drugs though obviously he ultimately decided against the practice.
"Following an intense loss at the B- Invitational Golf Tournament, he decided against a professional golf career."
-Oh. Interesting. So that's why. Hmm. Quitter.
(Same man) "He was open-minded and did not see distinctions of class, education, or wealth."
-lots of Black friends probably.
"They specialized in high quality and custom hardwood lumber for the local building industry."
-too bad commercial buyers weren't interested. That would've been something to write about.
"C- strived for morality and enjoyed the unique qualities of everyone she met."
-is that how pro-lifers are described today?
"J- poured his heart and love of writing into this book which can be found on http://www.amazon.com."
-slow down. Was that three double-u's or four?
"In 1972, she graduated valedictorian from S- high school."
-set. For. Life.
"A beautiful woman of deep faith and exceptional grace, she excelled in many endeavors in her life."
-what can I say? Rotator cuff injury took me out in 8th grade. Downhill from there.
(Same lady.) "At the time of her selection (three years ahead of her peers) she was one of the youngest officers in the Air Force selected for promotion to full colonel."
-no comment
(One more from this David-hearted mortal.) "L- lived the life that she wanted to have."
-lucky!!
"S- was an astute businesswoman who helped build a successful business that still exists today."
-ahh. Finally. In the only meaningful sense of the word, one lucky dead woman found happiness. Or as Aristotle called it, "Eudaimonia." Flourishing.
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As always, reader, please do better. Please take life seriously. Please do not write this crap about your loved ones. If you need help, comment. Or email me. I would be happy to help you tell the truth.
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