Learning how to control expectation within your body can pay off by encouraging co-operation in the moments when you do need to lead or relate to the animals in meaningful ways. Expecting Nothing is about dropping the attachment to a specific result or, the anxiety around not getting what you want.
The Wisdom of Wildness : Healing the Trauma of Domestication - Ren Hurst
Expect Nothing is the third principle that Ren Hurst explores in her book, which looks at our behaviours and practices in relation to animals in our care, domestic animals. There are thirteen principles and they all relate to each other and become a way of living our lives, of learning how to be in relation to ourselves and others, animal or human.
When I was contemplating this principle, the mantra that came up for me was "I expect nothing for myself. I expect nothing of myself."
This can leave a very empty feeling inside. If you are not expecting something (particularly of yourself) what else is there?
It is easier to understand this principle from the perspective of the captive dependant animals in our care. You only have to watch the animals in your care to see how they expect nothing from you, and expect nothing of themselves. When it comes to expecting nothing from our equals (adult humans) or ourselves it is more difficult. We have been educated to expect something for something, and in more recent times, something for nothing in many societies.
Let us look at animals first. The recipient animal will feel threatened when a feeling of expectation comes towards them. It will feel as though it has to give something, fulfill anothers' needs, because the person expecting something chooses not to fulfill their own needs. They want to relieve their own needs by getting another to provide that relief. The animal kingdom does not have this expectation feeling unless it is taught to them by a human (use of treats to get something in return is an example).
Even when hunting, animals do not expect to eat just because prey has come into their awareness. There is work to do to meet their own needs. They do not look outside themselves to resolve that need.
This principle is basically about understanding when we are expecting something, and how that feels in our body; what energy are we sharing with expectation. The other principles tell us how to work with removing expectation, such as meeting our own needs, or controlling only what is ours to control.
Expectation often relates to how we think - our thoughts. In ourselves there is generally two types of expectation : what we expect from others (what we want, usually in return for something we have done), and what we expect of ourselves.
The first is usually taught us when we are very young. For example "If you finish your dinner you can watch TV for an extra 30 minutes". So from that point on we expect to be able to watch TV for an extra half an hour everytime we finish our dinner. When our expectation is not met we feel frustrated or angry. This builds up into a spiral well into adulthood. An adult example could be "If you use this moisturiser you will have fantastic skin". We spend a fortune on it and it doesn't work. The same feelings of frustration and anger come up, always building each time our expectations aren't met.
It can go a lot deeper as well. Our relationships these days are often based on a give and take contract - what I can give you and what you can provide for me in return. There is nothing wrong with this when it is understood and equal, and communicated well. When expectation gets into the mix though, particularly unspoken expectation, it can get out of control. Thoughts whirl around the head without an outlet, because expectations are not being met. Anger and frustration become the order of the day.
Imagine expecting nothing from your animal or your child or your partner. Really feel into it. You give everything you give without expecting anything, even love. You would be surprised at the fear that can emerge. Find out where this fear is held in your body, because this is where expectation is doing you harm. And first, we should do no harm. Many fears can come up - fear of not being loved; fear of not beeing seen; fear of being left alone; to name a few.
The second type of expectation we can come across is the expectations we have of ourselves. Again we would have been taught to have these expectations from our early years. For example "If you work hard you can expect a good job" is probably one of the most common and also often untrue. What often happens is that we get our first job, which is not 'good' and our expectations are not met. We get frustrated and angry with ourselves. This can spiral into self esteem problems, or a belief that we will never be good enough however hard we work. It can also lead to a spiral of achievement. We achieve something but instead of enjoying that we push ourselves into the next level of achievement.
We do ourselves so much harm with self-expectations because self expectation does not lead to joy, love or happiness. It just leads to higher and higher expectations. You never get to the end, until you let go of the expectations.
I am going to touch on female specific expectation a little bit. Women are taught that we should look after our men and create and nurture children. Many women spend their lives meeting the expectations of their men, because they have a belief system of expecting themselves to be good wives and mothers. This has come down many generations of women, because we have forgotten our wild selves. It is so inbred into our DNA that even those of us who seek to change it find ourselves sub-consciously reverting back time and time again. We are in service to our expectations of ourselves, which puts us in service to others. We forget to be in service to ourselves.
Imagine expecting nothing from yourself. Really feel it. Say it out loud. "I expect nothing of myself". Say it to yourself in the mirror. What do you feel? Where do you feel it? When I did this I suddenly felt a huge weight lift from me. I actually felt quite weak for a while, like my body could not function without the expectations I put on myself. Such a strange experience. But I felt elated to.
Having expectations is damaging to our health, whether they are expectations of others (looking for external relief of our needs) or expectations of ourselves (putting ourselves in service to others before ourselves). This principle helps us understand what expectation feels like. When you figure out what it feels like, where you feel it, and what you fear if you let it go, then the other principles come into play.
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