The difficulty in this principle is recognising how often a relationship has been built on the transaction rather than authentic connection.
The Wisdom of Wildness : Healing the Trauma of Domestication – Ren Hurst
Systems of reward and punishment are transactions. Systems of positive reinforcement are transactions. Any system that tries to turn a No into a Yes by using any form of coercion, physical or emotional, is a transaction.
If you give your animal a treat when it comes to you, it comes to you for the treat, not because it loves you. It trusts the reward, not you.
To have a relationship that is of trust and love, you have to come to that relationship with those feelings, and only those feelings. There is no trust or love if you offer those feelings and want them in return. That turns everything back to a transaction. "I will love give you love if you love me back." "You should trust me as I trust you". These feelings of need are very strong and will always push another away if they can get away.
Emotional and physical manipulation in the name of Love is abuse, especially when the animal / dependant being manipulated cannot leave the environment.
Harsh I know. And difficult to change. We are bought up in a world of 'you get this if I get that'.
What happens when you actually let go of the transaction? Magic is what happens.
Try not offering treats for a behaviour, but just because you can and you feel like it right now, this instant. Don't ask the animal to come to you to receive a treat. Go to him/her. Don't expect anything in return, not even a thank you. In one area where this can have amazing results is with animals that snatch for treats. Slowly they will just take a treat softly. This is a thank you. This is trusting that you have no expectations. This is trusting in the love behind what is being given. And this is trusting that you will not feel offended, sad, needy or anything else, if they just take the treat and offer nothing in return.
If an animal / child / equal offers you anything, how about just saying Thank you. There doesn't have to be a 'return'. Love is love. You cannot force yourself to love another because they love you. In the same way you cannot force another to love you through offerings or manipulation.
Have you ever considered this with a child? Expecting a child to love you because you are the parent is a transaction, is it not?
What about ourselves? Can we love ourselves without asking something of ourselves? How often do we say words like "I would love to be like that?" That is a transaction we are developing with ourselves. Self-manipulation. And when we get "that", we then want something else so we can feel self love, peace and joy, because that didn't quite do it. It never will. Aren't we bizarre?
Deepak Chopra has a nice explanation of Love and love in his book "The Way of the WIzard". To paraphrase:
If we accept the world as it is right here, right now, everything is viewed in the light of self-acceptance, which is the light of Love. If we allow only the mind to define our understanding of Love, it becomes transactional. "I love this" basically means "I love repeating what felt good before". This causes us to stagnate in our ability to really understand Love, and gives the mind the room to create judgement about what love is or is not.
Let go...and Love.
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